“Darkroom”. Feel free to comment?
i feel diluted with the past wrapping around,
gripping steel-plated throats with familiar sounds,
frictional static, radiating heat from
a certain ex-persona enigmatic,
brings me back to the days
of our zealous ways,
when we cared not for the limit or for the pay,
but what we could afford for our own accord,
to breathe warm wind from the sea onto the shore,
yet always wanting more.
the force of our push-pull mechanism,
dealing both the damage and beauty within our tainted
prism,
makes for a prison lacking confinement,
yet deceives as an open field for soul alignment,
where we once flew with what we thought we knew,
about one another, the former of each other,
our cover, to hover, our faded imprints as old lovers,
when a song becomes a voice,
a film reminds us of a choice,
a photograph becomes a body,
you held between your palms so fondly,
remnants of you, of me,
what we always wanted to see,
what our desires drove us to be,
but what we soon had to realize, eventually,
and it was a long way to get out,
fruitless, futile efforts, all full of doubt,
what i made to **** only on me would perforate,
it’s a wonder i didn’t fall again,
into your once mesmerizing spin…
as much as i make it out to be of insignificance.
Yeah, this one is meant more to be read out loud. Maybe I’ll perform it one day, Youtube it, and then post the link on here.
Create a video blog…instantly.
No related posts.
Posted: May 3rd, 2009 under Uncategorized.
Tags: Desires, Imprints, Old Lovers
Comments
Comment from Selene VT
Time May 5, 2009 at 7:23 pm
It has a very rhythmic, spoken word quality to it. You might want to try reciting it aloud. Sometimes, when you read it as a performance, you discover ways to perfect the cadence and impact of the piece. Although, honestly you did a wonderful job.
The only thing I might suggest, is to strengthen the structure and punctuation of the poem. Punctuation may seem futile in some instances within poems, but it definitely gives you and your readers clues as to how the poem should be read. I want to hear it performed!
All around, a rice-krispies treat for the soul.
Comment from freesongs
Time May 8, 2009 at 8:01 am
You have a remarkably diverse collection of words and images. I feel like I am seeing a movie of images of a thousand things in a few brief seconds.
Where you really catch my attention is when you use an image of nature. “to breathe warm wind from the sea onto the shore.” Suddenly I have a sense of a slower moving movie that I can see in longer segments.
You know exactly what experience you are talking about. When you use concrete images, especially of nature, the universal language, then I understand and feel the experience you want to convey.
I like when there is a sense of fluidity with static images like sea and wind and land. I sense the invisible wind. That is very powerful and communicative.
Comment from TD Euwaite™
Time May 4, 2009 at 9:57 pm
OK. This one deserves in-depth coverage. It has the psycho-dynamic we discussed yesterday. It plays the ‘movie’ in your head, but you’re watching a different story; the original screen play that you write as you go along.
The second dynamic is the geometry. The ’sawtooth’ is caused by the uneven per-line syllable counts, making a wave on the right edge of the polygon.
This one plays the game very well.
TD